Loss
by Ken-chanx3
Summary: Sometimes through the pain of loss and missing you stay behind in the past and forget about things that are important in the present. And sometimes you even forget to look forward to the future. About Kens feelings after he had lost Daisuke.


Please note that English isn't my first language. So I apologize for any incorrect grammar or vocabulary.

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Sometimes losing a person you love and the feeling of missing hurts you more than you think you could take. This was a familiar feeling to Ichijouji Ken and although years had passed by and it should have gotten better, it hadn't. He still felt the pain of losing him like it hurt on the day he vanished. Their relationship had been a special one right from the beginning. It hadn't been the typical thing like meeting each other for the first time and becoming friends, then falling in love after some time and becoming a couple in the end. For them it had started with hatred and rivalry, Daisuke had hated him for what he had become and it had been Ken's own fault because he had played the almighty ruler of the digital world. With that thought the dark haired young man let out a light snort. That was something that could happen, if your parents didn't care enough about you or didn't give you the feeling of being loved enough. Instead of that you're forced to be a person you couldn't ever be and that was what had happened to Ken as a child. His parents had apologized for treating him that way and Ken had forgiven these mistakes. So he had been able to work on that part of his past, but it only had been the top of a huge mountain his life was buried under.

Ken was sitting on the floor next to the slide door to the balcony of his small apartment and his head was leaning against the cold windowpane while he seemed to watch the thunderstorm outside. It had been over Tokyo for nearly one hour now and some of the unbearable heat of this hot summer day had vanished away with the rain. Like any other time before when he sat next to that door he was thinking about something and stuck in the past again. Wormmon also was next to Ken and observed the young man in silence but with a concerned look in its eyes. It was used to Ken thinking a lot but couldn't help feeling really helpless while watching its partner slip into his own thoughts and losing himself in them more and more. Ken even didn't realize that Wormmon tried talking to him.

The dark haired man was thinking about the person that had irrevocably influenced and changed his whole life. If he only knew the reason why Daisuke had left without a word, maybe then it would hurt a little less but the uncertainty about what had happened and the feeling of being incomplete, of missing him so much brought tears to his eyes again. Ken couldn't cry anymore, he had the feeling of not being able to breathe because of the pain in his heart and he simply hadn't left any strength to give into the tears. He closed his eyes and pictures of the past appeared in front of his eyes. He could see their first meeting on the soccer field, the revelation of his identity in the desert and the end of his time as the Digimon Kaiser with the help of the Digimental of Miracles and Wormmon's death because of his sacrifice for Magnamon. Then there was their first talk in the Real World next to the river, their argument in the desert, because Ken had wanted to sacrifice his life in the ruins of his former fortress and then the first time of their shared heartbeat and the fusion of their partner Digimon. This had been the moment Ken realized that Daisuke was a special person to him and much more than a normal friend could ever be. For Ken, Daisuke was his soulmate and after their first Jogress they had gotten closer and closer over time. After all fights had ended and the Digital World was peaceful again, Ken, Daisuke and the other Chosen, especially Miyako, Iori, Hikari and Takeru still had spent a lot of time there so their Digimon could be in the Digital World at day and be in the Real World over night. But after a while, Daisuke and Ken had started to spend more and more time together without their friends.

Ken couldn't call a certain date or time when their deep friendship started to chance into love but they had shared their first kiss when they were 14. It was a bittersweet memory, beautiful but also full of pain. Daisuke had been really clumsy in that situation because when he had tried to lean more into the kiss with Ken, he had lost his balance and the pair had crashed onto the floor. One of the reasons why this moment was so deep inside his mind. Their relationship had worked forward really slow because Ken still had been insecure about himself and fought against his nightmares and the feeling of guilt inside his head. But after two years of being a couple they had done the final steps and from that moment on everything seemed to be perfect. But Ken had to learn that every seemingly perfect moment is just a dream that is going to break into thousands of pieces someday. And the back then 18 year old young man was left in the pile of fragments by the love of his life Daisuke without a word of explanation. He and his family had left Tokyo on the quiet and nobody had a sign of where or why they had moved.

By now Ken had started to cry because the memories had overwhelmed him completely. He hadn't even recognized that Wormmon had been next to his side a few moments ago but now left into the bedroom to grab Ken's Digi-Terminal and type in a message. Five years had passed since Daisuke had left and Ken's life had become a roller coaster of emotions. The loss of his friend and lover had left him with a broken heart and a totally damaged personality. Thankfully to his really alerted friends, especially Miyako, Ken was still alive by now. At first glance you wouldn't call Inoue Miyako a sensitive person, but she had been the first one to notice something was clearly wrong with Ken. He had been even more silent than before and stopped to show interest into the world around him and into his own life. This had made Miyako very thoughtful and she had tried to talk to Hawkmon about her feelings. But Hawkmon, like all their Digimon doesn't understand how human feelings work and especially the whole relationship thing is totally strange for them. So the bird Digimon hadn't really been a help for her problem, but Hawkmon gave her the advice to listen to her heart and her feelings. And that was why she hadn't even wasted a second when she had gotten an E-Mail from Wormmon telling her that Ken had gone into the Digital World on his own. Nobody but Ken and her know what they had talked about on that particular day, but Miyako always had had an eye on Ken from that day on. Not because she still was in love with him like many years ago, but knowing that her friend needed help and wasn't able to get along with all of that on his own anymore. Like Ken had found the love of his life in a boy, Miyako had the same experience in finding her happiness in loving a girl, Tachikawa Mimi.

Thanks to Miyako he was feeling okay at the moment and wasn't thinking about how to kill or hurt himself all the time anymore. Together they had gotten Ken a psychologist and after a few talks it was obviously clear that Ken was suffering from depression. For Ken it had been a relieve to know what caused his changing moods and made him switch between flying and falling but it only had gotten better slightly since then. It hadn't been possible to treat him with medication because the adverse effects only made things worse. The medicine had strengthened the suicidal thoughts and after his second attempt of trying to kill himself, Ken decided to fight against his depression without pharmacological help would be healthier for him.

The violet haired girl had a key to his apartment, so she could help Ken immediately in case of an emergency because sometimes he wasn't able to ask for help early enough. After Wormmon had typed in the message it took Miyako only around ten minutes to arrive at Ken's apartment and Wormmon moved to the door when it could hear the key in the door-lock. The now 24 year old woman stepped inside the hall with a concerned look on her face and while she pulled off her shoes and placed her umbrella next to the door she asked Wormmon "What happened?" "I don't know", the small green Digimon answered. "Ken-chan's just sitting there and starring outside the window. He doesn't react to anything happening around him." Miyako knew why the Digimon was so upset. The last time Ken had been in such a trance-like state he had nearly been hit by a car and none of them wanted this to happen ever again. She followed Wormmon into the living room and her heart was filled with sorrow as she spotted Ken on the floor. He seemed so broken, Miyako already had a clue where his thoughts where drifting to. If she ever got to meet Motomiya Daisuke once more, she was definitely going to kill him for breaking Ken's heart and Ken himself so badly. But now she needed to focus on Ken who definitely was suffering by now. She crouched down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Softly she called him by his name once, twice, then louder again but Ken didn't react or response in any way. So Miyako started shaking him slightly and calling him again and that seemed to work because he moved is head to look into her face.

Ken was fully caught up in his memories and didn't get anything that happened around him, before Miyako had started to shake him. In surprise he moved his head and met Miyako's face full of worry. "Miyako...", he stumbled and then his gaze shifted onto Wormmon which was still waiting behind the young woman and at least as worried as Miyako seemed to be. Then his gaze shifted to the clock on the wall behind the Digimon and he realized that he must have spent around two hours looking outside the window. Even the thunderstorm had stopped and it was only raining any more. "Oh...", was all Ken brought to his lips, as he started to shift into another position due to his body aching as bit from the two hours without any movement. "You were thinking about him, weren't you?". Miyako said and it sounded more like a statement than a question. Nevertheless Ken nodded slightly and sighed. "I really can't get him out of my head… why am I still missing him so much instead of hating and forgetting him…?" With a warm and soft smile Miyako answered. "Because you still love him, Ken, but although I know that it is difficult and painful… you need to move on and be focused on your life now, on the present. You are going to miss him for the rest of your life because you are soulmates, your souls are connected in a special way like mine is to Hikari's or Takeru's is to Iori's. But you shouldn't forget your own life about this loss, Ken. Don't live in the memories of the past, live in the certainty of the present and with the hope of finding happiness in the future. I know that it will be a path full of pain especially because Daisuke and you shared something none of us ever felt… but Ken, I believe that you will be able to overcome this pain someday. Take one step every day and there come a day you reach the end of the line. All of us are there to help you. Wormmon, Hawkmon and me, we will always be there to offer a helping hand. And I know that Mimi, Hikari, Takeru, Iori and their Digimon partners also would help you, when they are allowed to, Ken." She reached out her hand into Ken's direction and he started to think about Miyako's words. He knew it would never fully stop to hurt inside him, and Miyako, as sincere as she was, also had stated that. But maybe… maybe the pain would grew smaller when he started to share his thoughts with the others, his friends. He devoutly wished for being able to share his memories about Daisuke and their time together with someone because he would never be able to forget the love of his life. But could it really help to declare his thoughts aloud instead of fighting against them in the silence of his own mind? Miyako was right, he wouldn't be able to be alright again overnight and he wouldn't be able to be happy and satisfied again overnight, too. But by moving forward step by step, day by day someday he would be able to laugh and to enjoy life again. And this thought brought the change and with this Ken's decision. The question, if it would help, could only be answered by trying it out. Carefully, Ken reached out his hand and grabbed Miyako's with a small smile on his lips. "One step every day and this will be the first one." Miyako hugged him and started to cry. That was when Ken realized: I'm missing Daisuke so badly, but here and now there are people that would miss me that much as well if I would disappear. And with this knowledge Ken started to cry as well easing the burden on his shoulders a bit. Probably the memories of Daisuke always would be linked to the pain of losing him but as long as Wormmon and people like Miyako also had a place in his heart he was able to endure the loss and move on. Step by Step. Day by Day.

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 **Notes:  
** I really don't know anymore when the idea for this one shot came into my mind but I really had a need to write it down. Maybe some of you like it as well. I'm also thinking about adding more chapters to that story. Maybe from Daisukes POV or some flashbacks into the relationships of Ken/Daisuke or/and Mimi/Miyako. Just let me know in the comments if you want to read more.


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